“You are all important cogs in the corporate machine.”

Implied:

“But cogs can get replaced, some wear out prematurely, can strip their teeth and generally the machine will keep on operating despite half its cogs being cracked, broken, depressed and generally unhappy with its position.”

Or alternatively

“Of course, the machine is outdated and will soon be replaced with a digital cloud-based solution.”

This phrase was submitted by a fan.

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“Sometimes you just have to punch a puppy”

Should you be unfamiliar with this canine catchphrase it means to do something unpleasant that is good for business.

Implied:

“How can I put laying off 50 percent of the department without sounding like a complete dick? I know, I’ll put in a reference to a most beloved animal companion and friend of humanity. Puppies make everything better, right?! Right….? I’m really not a monster!”

Or alternatively

“You just have to punch a puppy. It’s painful but we will become richer, *cough cough* I mean, stronger by doing it. Is everyone ready? OK, here’s a puppy from Localization. Steve gets to go first. C’mon Steve, you promised to go first. Everyone gets to kick a puppy, Steve, so why are you crying, Steve? Is your puppy in Localisation too? Has this metaphor gone too far for you, Steve, just because it’s a cruel sadistic metaphor designed to remove the reader from realising that their decisions have a real impact on real people?”

“Look, let’s sync up on this project offline”

Implied:

“I am so integrated with my tech and online services that the mere thought of my delicate flesh and bodily needs terrifies me. There is only the online or the abyss and for the sake of the project, I will face the abyss with you. Over coffee. In the flesh.”

Or alternatively

“01001001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101101 01100001 01100011 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100101 00101110 00100000 01011001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101101 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01100110 01101100 01100101 01100101 00100001”

“Please discuss anything challenging and/or confidential in a meeting room”

Implied:

“Remember dearies, don’t scare the sheeple with your fearmongering deep dive into facts and figures. Let’s just remain calm and keep this behind these four soundproof walls. It’ll be our little secret!”

or alternative

“Look, transparency is all good and fine, but I have a business to run. Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in this meeting room that also happens to have a backdoor into a convenient alleyway from where your co-workers can’t see you. Now… What was your complaint about again?”

“It is fun to work! Don’t you think it’s fun to work?”

Implied:

“My office is a fun place. I have tonnes of fun all the time. Look at all my people working hard and making money (for me), enjoying the fun they have while slaving away to make money (for me). Don’t you think its fun to work?”

or alternatively

“You, a random employee I have the power to sack should you defy me, I feel like I am dying here. Please validate my managerial and/or life choices that put me here, or face my unspoken wrath. Say it, SAY IT. IT IS FUN TO WORK!”

“We’re going to be rebranding our portfolio to ensure alignment between products and services!”

Especially after acquiring a new company and integrating services and products.
Implied:
We are the Corp. Your corporate and technological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistance is futile. You WILL be assimilated!”

Or alternatively

“Now come on, don’t worry. Look… It’s still your product, it’s still your service, we’re only changing the name. Why would you concern yourself with a little name change, and some tweaks to the API to ensure compatibility, and laying off your two-thirds of your personal, and relocating your main office to our main office. In a different country.”

“Be a cheerleader for your team!”

Implied:

“Look, the team is unhappy, you are unhappy, I am unhappy, therefore the CEO is also unhappy. I don’t have time to do my job, so I need you to act like a corporate clown on too much coffee. Its a simple job, just espouse the company line as if it’s gospel and shame anyone who is openly critical or just looks dour, generally just degrade yourself and  lose all respect of your peers. There’s a promotion in it for you*. OK?”

*Promotion not guaranteed. Only while supplies last. May be revoked without notice. May contain nuts.”

or alternatively

“Wopeee, yoohoo, yeeeeaaaaaahhh… corporate line FTW! Pom poms, backflips, back breaks, ambulance ride, suing the bloody company for this worthless idea!”