“Sure, if you stay in your current role I will give you all the support you need.
A new standing desk? Sure.
Time management training? Of course.
The occasional pep talk? You got it.
If you want me to give you training or support that would allow you can move out of my department and force me into a position where I have to find new people or resources to be able to reach my department goals?
We got work to do and your little goals are secondary to the running of my department.”
“Well, it is, sort of. I mean, after my responsibilities to upper management, to my immediate superior, to the goals of the department, to my own personal development, to my budget and to people I like better than you, then it is.
At that point, my only interest would be to support your development.
After I’ve had this second cup of coffee.“
For a bit of context, look here and here:
“We have put these corporate policies in place to maximise profits. It’s why overbooking our flights is a good thing. Sure, we make people angry and disrupt their lives in ways we don’t give a rat’s posterior about and force our underpaid personnel to deal with the emotional fallout, but we can hide behind airport police and policies and call them security threats. As long as we ensure that OUR people take precedence over paying customers and normal average human decency, I mean, what could go wrong? Have you seen the projections for our third quarter? It’s not likely that a video of police manhandling an unconscious doctor twice their age is going to go viral. Now, excuse me while I check my news feeds.”
“You. PR-person… Don’t look so uncomfortable, its just bit of head trauma and blood. Now look, I need a word that makes it sound like we are doing extra hard work to make our passengers comfortable, gets some goodwill from the sheeple and gets them to ignore our terrible business practices that dehumanise and reduce a human being to a number in an Excel sheet. ‘Re-accommodate’ you say… I like it. Tastes a bit like iron and obfuscation. Also, could we somehow make this the passenger’s fault? As if somebody, who has plans and appointments and patients, is somehow not allowed to question or reject an offer that royally fucks with his life and is completely unreasonable. Nevermind, I’ll write that one myself.“
“Hang on, let me just gather a few of the other filthy mudbloods around here so we can collectively complain to HR about your inability to explain that to someone like me, sir. “
“Wait, what? This is central to the project that we, as in you and I, are working on together. I need to know and you’re supposedly the expert? Explain it to me like I’m a five-year-old. You can do that, right? Unless you’re faking it. Are you faking it? Maybe a little bit. Just a teensy-weensy little bit? You know what, wait there, I’ll find a three-year-old you can explain it to!”
“May I call you Lebowski? Great. So, it turns out that focusing on ONE product in this marketplace is not really viable long term, so we need to start acquiring more products and services to augment our current portfolio. Why? It’s about the money, Lebowski. Improve our own product to our current customers? Sure, that might happen. Coincidentally.”
“Diversification is about corporate survival and NOT our products. Products come and go, but corporate is forever. Remember that when you invest in your next IoT thingy.”
“And just like peeling a real onion, peeling this metaphorical onion is going to be uncomfortable, won’t taste well for everyone and generally be a very nitty-gritty affair since we don’t have the right tools for it. Also, running water or chewing gum won’t be helping anyone. And you won’t be allowed to bring a knife to meetings. It’s policy!”
“Why are we peeling this onion again?
You know, it’s a really big onion and it needs to be peeled for everyone’s sake. And instead on onion, let’s call this what it is; sexual harassment. You monster!”
“I’m keeping my eye on you, just in case your ‘potential’ makes you better suited for my job. I’ll decide what your full potential is and where it can go. In short, you’re not getting my seat at the grown-up table. Welcome aboard!”
“And we will provide you with lots and lots of opportunities. If fact, we will f***ing inundate you with opportunities. Opportunities will come at you from every direction, you will have to be a Neo in our corporate Matrix, opportunities coming in left and right, morphing and twisting and changing and you will just have to keep up. Welcome aboard!”
“I work for you. You and me? We’re the same. Except I can fire you, of course, and deny you time off, and take your privileges away, and you don’t get to decide what I do. And I play squash the CEO, so let’s just drop the charades and you get back to your desk. NOW!”
“That said, I am totally sacrificing you and all of your co-workers if my career is on the line. I mean, the people above me will reward me for my due diligence towards their goals and you are merely a means to that end.”